HogwartsBusters
by Prvt. Caboose
Summary: What if... ...instead of the incompetent Gilderoy Lockhardt, Defence Against the Dark Arts were taught by the Mythbusters? This is a non-sensical one-shot, with several liberties taken in regards to wands, what constitutes a teacher, and regulations regarding a certain ingredient.


Entering their first Defence Against the Dark Arts class of the term, the Gryffindors of the second year were getting antsy.

None of the higher years, having had the class the day before, was letting anything know of how the class went, or even who taught it.

"You know", Ron began, "I've heard rumours that Dumbledore was trying to get Gilderoy Lockhardt to do this. Too bad he couldn't get him…"

Harry and Hermione shared a brief look, before asking "Who?"

With disbelief, Ron tried to explain. "Gilderoy Lockhardt! He defeated the [insert lie]! He wrote a dozen books about his adventures!" Then he paused and looked at Harry. "Hey, maybe you should write a book, about your adventures."

Hermione scoffed. "Oh, please. Who would read that?"

Harry rested his face on his fist. "I don't know, Hermione. People would probably buy it just because my name is on it, give me false praise…"

Before either of his friends could answer, two men entered the classroom through the door leading to the teacher's office.

One of them was a stoic blond, wearing a white shirt and a beret of all things, while an enormous walrus moustache dominated his face. Harry was sure not even Uncle Vernon's facial hair was as vast.

The second one was wearing simple jeans and t-shirt and slid down the railing to reach the classroom before his colleague. Only when he stopped moving could Harry really see the black-rimmed glasses and the reddish-blond hair.

"Hey, kids!", the one in the t-shirt greeted them. "I'm Adam!"

His rather annoyed looking colleague shoved his hands into his pockets. "I'm Jamie."

"And we're your new Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers! Now, before we begin, does anybody have any questions?"

Jamie raised his hand slightly. "Yeah, I got one. Did you have to slide down the railing like a child?"

"I certainly did", Adam replied without missing a beat. "Next question. Yes?" He pointed at Hermione.

"Uhm, Professor…? There was no book for this class on our list. How…"

"Oh, there is no book", Adam interrupted her. "This is going to be a bit of a more hands-on approach. So, we'll conduct experiments on how things could work to defend yourself, and you lot get to take notes."

The mostly-silent Jamie nodded slightly. "Uh, yeah. You know, normally, teachers, uhm, stand here, uh, tell you facts, maybe show you a creature or two, and then make you take a long, boring test that nobody wants to study for."

Hermione huffed angrily but kept silent otherwise.

"Yeah, and between us?", Adam asked the class, "If I want a ridiculously boring, and long-winded class, I'll hop over to Professor Binns in History of Magic."

Nearly all the students laughed, with the exception of Hermione, who had a look of disbelief on her face.

Jamie had a slight chuckle. "We don't want that here. Uhm…" He looked around the teacher's desk. "I think the fourth years took off with our previous experiment."

Adam nodded begrudgingly. "That would be the Gryffindor class? I think I know who took it. Well, what else do we have that we could use?"

As if waiting for this question, Jamie pulled a roll of silvery tape seemingly out of nowhere and put it on the table. "Duct tape."

"Why am I not surprised you had that handy?", Adam asked with some scepticism in his voice.

"I _always_ have duct tape handy", was the short reply. "And lard."

"Right." Adam suddenly had a bright smile. "So, let's improvise. Kids, what do you know…" he held up his wand between his index fingers, right in front of his nose. "…about your wands?"

As her friends expected, Hermione immediately raised her hand.

"Yes, Miss…?"

"Granger, Sir. Wands are conducts for magic, channelling and focusing it. They're made of wood, basically just a shell protecting the inside, and a magical core, which acts as the actual conduct."

"Very good, Miss Granger!" Adam never lost his cheery grin and turned to Jamie. "What do we have that's conductive?"

The moustached beret-wearer thought for a moment, then left for the office without a word.

Ron, who had been watching the whole ordeal without understanding anything, turned to Harry. "Uh, does that mean he has something, or that he doesn't?"

"Dunno. I guess he's checking."

A short moment later, Jamie came back, and handed Adam a handful of what looked like white clay. "This should work. With… whatever you have planned with that duct tape."

"Thanks, this is perfect. Now, what we want to do, is…" He began rolling out the clay. "Form the conductive material into a roughly cylindrical shape. Of course, you can also use any lengthy conductor like a thick wire."

"Wait." Jamie furrowed his brows, looking at Adam's doing. "That's what you wanted the conductor for?"

"Of course. Why, does this not work?"

After a short moment, Jamie shrugged. "It should work like any other conductor."

Adam shot him a look that spoke of his distrust, but he still reached for the duct tape. "Well, hoping that Jamie actually got us a conducting material—"

"I did!"

"—we slowly wrap the duct tape around it, trying to build up a wand shape."

"Excuse me, Professor?", Hermione interrupted with a hand as high in the air as it could possibly go. "Are you seriously trying to make a _wand_ with clay and… duct tape?"

"Well, it won't be as efficient as the real deal, and certainly not as matching you as the one you got from Olivander's, but in a pickle?" Adam lifted his Franken-wand, and cut the duct tape, finishing his project. "It should give you an advantage due to the element of surprise. Being able to make a wand out of household items when the bad guy took your regular one?" He held his contraption up. "Should give you at least a stunner, or disarming charm. After that, you can pick up your opponent's wand."

Ron took a discrete look at his damaged wand, clumsily held together with spell-o-tape, wondering if this "duct tape" might be a better solution.

"Now, to test this…" While Adam readied the wand, Jamie suspiciously stepped back, and held his fingers to his ears.

"I don't want to try something fancy, seeing that this might not work at all, so we'll start with the basics, some red sparks."

With a flick of his wrist, the wall exploded outward, granting a nice view of the lake.

Through the pupils' shock, Adam laughed heartily. "Jamie! What was that clay you gave me?"

"C4."

"Well", Adam picked up one of a handful stone pieces that hadn't been blasted outside and held it up for everybody to see. "There's your problem!"


End file.
